And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
