her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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