Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
