i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
