I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
