I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
