I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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