I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
