Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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