Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize