You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
