don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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