Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Boobs speak an international language.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
