but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
