hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
