why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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