So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
