you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
