Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
