that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
