No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
