I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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