My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
