Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
