you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
