i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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