do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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