Michael Bay diarrhea
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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