Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
