Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
