I think I died a long time ago.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
