i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Church boner. Awkwardddd
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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