Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
