I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
