We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
