Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
