I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We left the knife in your bed.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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