a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
