i just sent this text using only my big toe
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
