i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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