my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
