i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
