I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
