My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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