My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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