So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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