You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
