my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
