I will die if light touches me.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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