i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
