Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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