I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
