I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
