I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
