i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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