I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
