I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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