at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
