Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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