I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
