Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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